Question: I’m 60, happily married, and live in Durham with four cats, one dog, and one husband. I work with college students all the time and I think I still have a pretty good sense of humor. But occasionally I get that polite smile that says, “Oh no, she’s trying too hard.” So tell me this: What’s the best way to make younger people think I’m still cool…without actually trying to be cool?   Sincerely, Curious in South Durham 

Dear Curious in South Durham, 

Thank you so much for your question. First, I’d like you to know that you are not alone in assessing how your sense of humor fares with others. In fact, I do it with adults older than myself, and yes, even my fellow college students, whom you point to. I can be self-conscious if the delivery of the statement I believe to be humorous is not done with the proper tone, words and at the appropriate time. This feeling is amplified when you can sense that the chuckle or smile the person gives in return is done, as you say, out of politeness. It makes it hard to form a true connection with them in the moment. 

Humor, though, is tricky because it varies among every person, regardless of their age. Take, for instance, my sister and me, who are only a few years apart. Sometimes, at the dinner table, we exchange jokes, our eyes teary and our mouths spread in a wide grin, and my family shrugs in confusion. Even with our nearly identical sense of humor, it isn’t a perfect match, but that makes us unique. 

There could be several reasons why the college students you’ve worked with return your humor with what you perceive as a polite smile (you mention this only happens “occasionally,” which suggests that you’re winning these students over)! Was the interaction early in the morning or late in the evening? Maybe the student had an 8 am class that day or had just finished work; if so, their lower enthusiasm could be due to tiredness. Did it take place in an online meeting or in person? It’s undoubtedly easier to read someone’s body language during the latter option. Or, here’s another possibility – the humorous reference you made didn’t click with this particular student. I’d like to emphasize that this does not mean that your sense of humor as a whole is unfit for this audience; humor is very hit or miss, and I’m sure that you’ve encountered college students with various personalities. Some might reply to a joke you made with booming laughter, while you could tell others the same one, but they offer a slight smirk.  

I try to avoid thinking of humor as something that requires trial and error – it’s free-flowing and not something to be examined under a microscope (I’m thinking of 100 variations of “Maybe if I had referenced this…”).  I focus on the joy that my humor brings me, though I understand it can be difficult to completely brush off how another person perceives it.  

The main point I would stress is to be your authentic self. Although this might sound cliche, your humor is an essential part of your individuality. Staying afloat with memes and other online trends could be one way to form a bond with college students in hopes of eliciting “authentic” laughter, like making a casual reference occasionally. However, don’t let this overshadow your distinctive humor. 

Your humorous reference could be the first time that a college student has smiled that day – so celebrate each smile, wide and small, each laugh, loud and soft, as they come. And especially celebrate your own.  

PS: I think you’re pretty cool for writing this question : )